We Have the Technology to Entertain You

There are some things that refuse to die. Me, for example. I've cheated death more times than Peej can count, and I make him count but he gets confused and has to stop. We have a spreadsheet going now. Tabs one through 24 are just the times I have inadvertently nearly been killed in accidents I didn't see coming. How many tabs does Excel 2008 allow? I forget.

Technology is funny, though. Once people get in the habit of using or doing things, they never give it up:

These obsolete technologies didn't get the memo — maybe because someone wrote it on a typewriter and faxed it to them.

Got an urgent message you need to transmit immediately? Sending a telegram is likely not the first option that comes to mind. And when it's time to boogie down, you probably don't shove a cassette into your 8-track player.

Some technologies serve their purpose for a while, then either evolve into cheaper, faster, better forms or simply disappear. Yet others — such as fax machines, landline phones and instant cameras — just refuse to die, despite better digital alternatives.

Here are ten technologies that should be dead and buried, yet still cling to life.

They go on to talk about telegrams, typerwriters, cassette tapes, turntables and things like that. Well, turntables play vinyl records, and those still sound better than anything out there. I am an audiophile; without my records, I'm nothing. If you were to ever find yourself aboard the family vessel, the Admiral Hassenpfeffer, we would entertain you in the community room where the dance floor, the light show, and our DJ booth are well stocked, albeit with titles and equipment that is about forty years old.

I still love talking on the Citizen's Band radio. Did you know my handle is Tenderfoot and I can still make truckers scream and turn off their set? I'm an Original CB Radio Troll, my good man. I love it when I can get on there and do three different voices and have a conversation with myself about someone's wife and a bottle of Wesson oil.

Many people have commented that Father's blog has apparently gone silent. As far as we know, Father is alive; he originally typed every blog entry onto a piece of paper on his Continental typewriter and mailed it to Peej; Peej would then recreate the "blog post" for Father.

The mail dried up; Father isn't speaking to us, but we're hoping to hear from him now that the Census is almost over. It would be nice to go back to the States but I doubt we'll go back this year. Miranda is having too much fun ignoring me here in Germany.

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Why Don't We Have the Technology?

This doesn't seem like the sort of happy news one would expect on the 4th of July:

Hundreds of skimming boats prepared Friday to return to calmer gulf waters in the wake of Hurricane Alex and resume cleanup of the massive BP oil spill, which scientists now predict is likely to reach the Florida Keys and Miami in the months ahead.

Using computer simulations based on 15 years of wind and ocean current data, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration released a report Friday showing a 61% to 80% chance of the oil spill reaching within 20 miles of the coasts of the Florida Keys, Fort Lauderdale and Miami, mostly likely in the form of weathered tar balls.

Shorelines with the greatest chance of being soiled by oil — 81% to 100% — stretch from the Mississippi River Delta to the western Florida Panhandle, NOAA scientists said in astatement on its projections for the next four months.

Who's to say that it won't go further? Who's to say that the Caribbean as a whole won't be affected in some way before the oil is washed out of the Gulf of Mexico and into the Atlantic Ocean? Tar balls and oil balls and dead things and poisoned waters will wash up in unexpected places for years, perhaps. I don't know.

I do know one thing--without figuring out how to contain and clean up these sorts of spills, there's just no way that further deep-sea oil drilling should continue. I get that we need this oil and that we need the jobs. I think that it is well past time to re-design and re-tool and start the long process of moving away from oil with serious efforts. Two billion for solar power just isn't anywhere near enough.

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How Are Things in Fatass Nation?

So what is the state of the nation?

Not good, I'm afraid.

If you look at that map, you just want to weep for the shambling bags of meat that used to populate a nation that was lean and hungry for success. We have a population that is bloated and ready to pop sideways out of a defective pair of Wal-Mart shorts. We have entire towns and villages full of howling upright carcasses that are ready for permanent boneyard residency. This was once a nation where strong men and women walked for days on end just to find a piece of land that wasn't screwed up so they could build a life for themselves.

What happened to the American dream? It's dying of neglect. It's a belly full of garbage. It's an over-salted hot mess. It's the end of an idea that I think still has a lot of life left in it.

Fortunately, there are people like me, and I will never let the American dream die. I'll help you get back on track.

All you have to do is walk.

I am an evangelist for walking, you see. I know eating right and exercise matter. I know Oprah has been telling you to eat cookies or bake potato chips in your $5,000 oven or whatever, but look at Oprah. She won't even climb stairs (no idea if that is true or not). I'm telling you--walk. Don't worry about the other stuff. Don't sweat the small stuff. You have shoes? Go walk.

If you don't have legs, or if you can't walk, them amble along any way you can. Use your walker, your wheelchair, your crutches or your hovercraft and just go places. See things. Breathe. Walk. Live your damned life, sir. 

What does it cost for me to tell you this? Nothing. I have no books to sell you. I have no "advice" guide for you. I'm Norman Rogers. You should go walk. Okay, our transaction is done. All I collect from you is the moment it took you to consider my advice. I don't want your money. Tell you what--you take your money and you buy walking shoes for you and yours. Take your money and spend it on you. That's what I'm selling--I'm selling you the idea that you should take care of yourself with your money. Don't give it to anyone who can't give you something useful (like a good pair of walking shoes). Don't send me your money because I don't want it and we have no way to accept it. 

That's right--you should take your money and keep it. There. How hard was that?

Walk like the dickens. Make that map at the top of the page shrink away. Build a log cabin somewhere. Cut the grass and dig a hole for no reason. Eat something you found or grew or fished out of the water.